Post by d on Sept 14, 2010 0:56:25 GMT -5
I was giving F my minute-by-minute commentary as I watched, and she insisted I post it. Keep in mind that I was doing other things at the same time... Enjoy.
9:51pm
Edited for content!? THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF G
YOU PEOPLE [ABC Family] RUN R RATED MOVIES NOW
9:53 pm
*braces self*
It starts with a book! I miss those.
9:54 pm
Aaaand the first page is telling us the whole set up... "forced her to work as a Scullery Maid." I didn't realize scullery maids had unionized and demanded capitalization like Sanitation Workerers of Flight Attendants.
9:55 pm
DUDE! Show don't tell!
Stupid book, giving things away
9:56 pm
Wow, this quality is awesome, for 1937
9:57 pm
ACK she's humming
She's surrounded by doves!
NO, please don't hum, dear GOD no!
Beautiful sets
OW
her VOICE
A prince! He hears her sing! And he's on a white horse, of course.
9:58 pm
He's breaking and entering! This castle has TERRIBLE security.
He's just climbing over the wall
Him: Hello.
Her: Oh!
Him: Did I frighten you?
D: Oh, no, she's not at ALL alarmed by the strange man sneaking up on her INSIDE A FORTIFIED CASTLE. Good girl, Snow, you run from that intruder! Yes, run away! NO, don't let him serenade you!
She's wearing clogs... this must be Holland?
And he's singing about how he's fallen in love with her on sight
10:00 pm
Queen sees him. She really should have more guards around.
OH the birds. Yes, fly happily from girl to boy, carry a kiss, tame animals--HE HAS LIPSTICK.
HIS LIPS ARE RED.
So, the whole castle's guard amounts to the random huntsman.
Queen is sufficiently creepy.
I like how she lets Snow White dress up just to be killed. And I like how Snow doesn't suspect that something unusual might be happening.
SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CHILD.
He lifts the knife to kill her--and she raises her arms and screams. That's it. She's lucky he can't do it.
RUN, SNOW! Run, again! Beware of OWLS! And OMG TREES! BRANCHES! EEK! This child had clearly never been to a forest.
Scream! Flail! Turn! Scream, flail, turn! Repeat! Collapse!
10:06 pm
Sob at the scary forest, not the bitch step-mother.
Aaaand the animals all come out to say hello.
I want a bunny to come say hello to me.
And she goes, "Oh!" and they all run away.
Oh god, she's going to sing again
"I'm awfully sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. But you don't know what I've been through. And all because I was afraid." *gasp* Maturity? "I'm so ashamed of the fuss I made," she clasps her hands prettily.
And she sings.
10:08 pm
Birds sing back to her
They can flinch at the baby bird's off note but not hers?
Raccoons are CUTE.
This is totally Bambi's forest.
CHIPMUNK!
10:09 pm
She's so warbly and shrill I can't really understand her
"I really feel quite happy now! I'm sure I'll get along somehow! Everything's going to be all right!" Because I have the power of SONG and cute herbivorous animal friends!
10:10 pm
She's SO childlike!
Animals lead her through the SCARY WOODS, which are still dark but now they've having fun, so not scary. Somehow.
Behold, the idyllic, "Adorable" cottage! "Just like a doll's house!"
"Ooooh, it's dark inside."
10:13 pm
She knocks, no answer, "Guess there's no one home!" So she opens the door.
And brings half the forest inside with her.
"OOHHH! What a cute little chair!"
Disney has a bad habit of cannibalizing itself...
10:15 pm
"You'd think their mother would--Gasp! Maybe they have no mother? Then they're orphans..." Deer shake heads sadly... They have gray beards. WTF, how can they be children in need of a mother?
"That's too bad!"
"I know! We'll clean the house and surprise them! Then maybe they'll let me stay."
I am detecting a distinct pattern of manipulation. Her tone is manipulative. Hackles rising.
And I like how she still assumes everyone is her friend, despite just learning that her step mother and the huntsman want to kill her.
Wait--she just gave the animals all the hard jobs while she sweeps.
10:17 pm
She's not WORKING, she's dancing and singing and directing the animals!
Awwwwwwwwwwww chippy stuck in a cobweb!
The animals are doing ALL the hard stuff! Goddammit!
You can hate her, F, she is delegating the laundry.
10:20 pm
So, despite her being one of the 'laboring' princesses, she doesn't have to labor once she's away from the queen.
Aah, this 'Dig, Dig, Dig' song was excerpted on a video I used to have.
Dig, Dig, Dig and Heigh Ho.
10:22 pm
Oh great, she's going to further invade their home by going upstairs.
You try to distract us with the antics of cute animals, Disney, but I see through you! This is all designed to make breaking and entering look glamorous!
"Oh, what ADORABLE little beds!" And to reinforce an inferiority complex in the vertically challenged. If she says adorable again after she finds out what they are, I'm gonna have to punch her.
10:24 pm
Ok, she and Goldilocks would get on GREAT. Yes, Snow, just drape yourself across half a dozen beds, no prob.
10:26 pm
hehehehe Doc almost said "Crook and fanny," instead of nook and cranny.
Their house has been cleaned! BY GOD! It's a CONSPIRACY!
10:28 pm
She cooked, too? Maybe it's squirrel stew.
Oh, stock characters... so far the Dwarfs are Southerners, stutterers, and city/Woody Allen-types.
This movie is a lot of filler.
I love how the friendly animals don't come over to explain anything. They seem to be trying to scare the dwarfs.
10:31 pm
40mins in, they're gonna send a Dope to do a man's job.
Then again, even the hunter couldn't follow through.
OMG SNOW WHITE IS PLAYING WITH HERSELF
10:32 pm
[F: wtf?!?!]
10:32 pm
She's on their beds, and the sheet's a big moving heap over her head and she's making MOANING noises!!
Dopey screams? He can make noise? He ran out, so did the rest of them.
So she's got time to straighten up.
10:34 pm
Great, now they're beating up Dopey. Friendly fire is funny, kids!
"What was it doin'!?"
Dopey: *feigns sleep, big snore*
LIES! She was DIDDLING HERSELF!
More moans!
Her legs are up in the air! Those aren't arms (and why would her arms be up when she's sleeping?) those are LEGS.
NOW she's asleep, exhausted herself.
10:36 pm
Oh, what a contrast... Snow White and an ad for the Legend of the Guardians, with some of the most amazing digital animation yet.
10:39 pm
"She's MIGHTY PURDY!"
"Heh! She's a female! Females is poison! They're full a' WILES," says Grumpy.
She's totally doing a post-gasmic stretch
She spots them, screams, and pulls the blankets up to cover her chest. SHE IS FULLY DRESSED.
10:41 pm
Her hair has this weird fuzzy outline in places.
"Why! You're little men!" They look suitably horrified and down-trodden... mostly astonished.
God, she doesn't hesitate for a moment or apologize for being there.
10:43 pm
"Happy, ma'am! That's me! And this is Dopey, he don't talk none."
"You mean he can't talk?"
"He don't know! He never tried!"
GOD, she is SUCH a child!
10:44 pm
"Ohhhh, you're Gruuumpy!" UGH.
How old is she in this movie?
Isn't she fourteen?
"Oh, how silly of me, I'm Snow White!"
"Snow White!? The princess!?"
"Yes!" *bats lashes*
10:45 pm
Suddenly Doc is honored to have her, but Grumpy is not.
"Please don't send me away! If you do, she'll kill me!"
And... I think they're just taking her word for it.
10:46 pm
Though Grumpy may be right this time, she IS a witch.
"But she doesn't know where I am!" Happy smile!
10:48 pm
"Oh, she'll never find me here! And if you let me stay, I'll keep house for you! I'll wash, sew, sweep and cook--" They really like the food part.
How the hell did she learn to cook? I thought she was just a scullery maid.
That castle must have had two people in it--the queen, and Snow White.
And she's going to make them wash. Behold, she civilizes the strange little men!
10:50 pm
It's actually amazing they aren't more dirty after working in the mine.
I think she likes the power trip, ordering them around.
She definitely thinks of them as little kids.
"Aww, did you hurt yourself?"
That really is condescending.
10:53 pm
Ugh, they'll do it for HER--said with mannish glee, all cuz she's pretty.
Agh, rhymes.
"Ya make me SICK!" Grumpy is totally the inspiration for Oscar the Grouch.
10:57 pm
Yay! Kidnap your friends! Ominous music!
Abuse your buddy! Wash his mouth out with soap! Yes, that's the way to do it!
10:59 pm
Aah, back to the queen!
11:00 pm
The animation really is good for the time.
11:01 pm
"Then I've been tricked!"
That crow should be eating the pig heart...
I wonder if she's related to Ursula...
Mummy Dust
EGYPT WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, MADAM.
This is the shittiest spell.
And she drinks the potion.
Whirling, swirling vortex of transformation! Bubbles and lightning!
More bubbles... nevermind, she's just drunk.
11:04 pm
Ugh, they made another Tinkerbell movie. Those things betray the original Tink, she was a bitch, dammit. Stop trying to make her nice.
This song was on one of my tapes, too. The yodeling one.
11:05 pm
Erm, Grumpy playing the accordion looks... inappropriate.
He's sitting on it so he bobs up and down.
Sleepy looks high
Wait, are they Dutch or German or Swiss or what?
11:06 pm
I think they recycled this dance sequence with Snow White, but I may be thinking of a different one.
I'm pretty sure it became the base for Robin Hood and Maid Marion dancing with the Merry Men.
I need to watch that one, too, I liked that one.
11:09 pm
Now she's going to tell them a story... about a princess, who fell in love "Was it hard?" "No, it was very easy!" *smacks forehead*
She has a VERY short attention span.
Any normal person would show some remorse or sadness for all she's lost.
For everything that's changed.
This is where the, "But she's not even a person" comment kicks in
I think Doc is gay...
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE, YOU SAW HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES!
11:11 pm
Doc reeeeally wanted to know if the prince was handsome...
11:11 pm
Someday My Prince Will Come... I cannot understand her when she warbles in her upper registry.
She's sending THEM to bed.
11:13 pm
They insist she take their beds... and she actually takes them up on it, and
leaves them with ONE pillow, which they rip to shreds.
11:14 pm
now she prays
11:15 pm
"And please make Grumpy like me!"
God's time is always so valuable to people who pray.
Apparently Dopey dreams like a dog.
I bet Snow is making use of her private room, hem hem.
11:18 pm
And everybody sleeps...3/4 through...
That is the most noxious looking apple... If the queen were at all clever, she would've made the apple first, while she still had her youthful limbs.
She likes to rhyme. A lot.
"But wait! There maaay be an antidote!" So NOW she checks the book. Good job, lady.
Love's First Kiss.
11:20 pm
"BAH!" she says
"She'll be BURIED ALIVE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah, she's not creepy at ALL.
No wonder this woman can't retain a security force, she's a vindictive bitch.
She poles a boat down the river--the witch is Charon!
11:22 pm
But it's a happy singsong morning at the cottage!
Wait--who built this place? It's not really dwarf-sized or people-sized, it's very in-between,
they must have bought it or squatted.
Remember, Doc tells her, be careful! The queen is full of witchcraft! "Be careful of strangers!" That's not a bad moral. Pity it's already been undermined at every turn.
Bashful is totally infatuated... she's giving them all kisses. She's wasting seven chances at LIFE!
11:25 pm
Dopey's trying for multiples.
Aw, Grumpy's preening before his kiss.
He loves it.
Witch is stupid, she's creaking her way toward Snow White, limping along... Forethought, woman. You haz none.
11:28 pm
Making a pie is NOT that easy, dammit!! And again, the animals are doing a lot.
Beware of scary beggar woman!
This tape should be used to teach kids safety.
"The little men aren't here?"
"No, they're not..."
"It's APPLE pies that makes the men-folks' mouths water!" insists the crone.
"Oh, they do look delicious!"
"Go on, have a bite..."
The birds are smarter than this birdbrain.
They know she shouldn't eat it.
11:30 pm
I like how she can't recognize her own step-mother's voice
Wait--these animals suck. Instead of bursting through the open window to attack the witch, they cross the forest to the mine.
Cuz that's totally a better plan.
11:33 pm
"This is no ordinary apple--it's a magic wishing apple!"
"A wishing apple?" Like, for special girls like ME?
"Yeees! One bite, and all your dreams come true!"
Oh thank GOD, it's almost over.
11:35 pm
Animals harass dwarfs, dwarfs suddenly think of the queen, are super-excitable and charge off based on no firm evidence.
"There must be something you want. Perhaps there's someone you love."
"Well... there is someone.." YOU BARELY EVEN SAW HIM!
"I wish... he will carry me away to his castle... where we will live happily ever after..."
11:38 pm
Hang on--she bites the apple, and the camera pulls away to stay on the witch. "Oh... I feel strange... oh.. oh... heavy breathing... oooh... breathes out." It's a MAGIC apple alright! This girl could get off from ANYTHING.
And she's out.
Witch is toootally gonna be the fairest in the land now--no word on how she'll be changing out of crone-form.
A thunderstorm crops up in time for the dwarfs to give chase.
Up the mountain... she's awfully energetic for an old woman... lightning, defying all laws of physics, strikes the ground she's standing on and the shelf crumbles, sending her plummeting to her death.
11:40 pm
The vultures leer happily, then fly down to chow down.
Ew.
Aaand somehow there's an organ playing while all seven dwarfs kneel around Snow White laid out on her bed.
Wait---where did they get a bed her size!?
It doesn't LOOK like the table, it's got posts...
11:42 pm
They all weep for her, even Grumpy...
The animals are so very sad as well...
For she brought light into their lives... light and cleaning duties
11:44 pm
wtf--"So beautiful, even in death, that the dwarfs could not find it in their hearts to bury her... they fashioned a coffin of glass and gold, and kept eternal vigil at her side..." Seasons pass behind the placards. "...the Prince, who has searched far and wide (WILL YOU STOP TELLING AND START SHOWING, DAMMIT) heard of the maiden who slept in the glass coffin."
Now HE'S singing again.
Wait, wtf? Why are they removing the glass lid, he hasn't shown up yet!
Beautiful scenes, yes.
There he is, there's his white horse.
And they just let him walk up to her.
11:46 pm
He doesn't even look that upset! He kisses her, bows his head... and she blinks awake.
They embrace in the most choreographed way!
Everyone dances and frolics! No more words need be exchanged! He puts her on his horse--the dwarfs each get a last kiss... She gets EVERYTHING SHE WANTS without doing a damn thing!
UGH, the ways she says "Good bye!" that last time...
And they ride off into the sunset together--chastely, with him walking. And a GOLDEN GLOWING CASTLE APPEARS!
BEHOLD, THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
11:48 pm
And they lived happily ever after. Joy.
And a last word from F: now she's asleep, which indicates improvement in her cognitive functions
9:51pm
Edited for content!? THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF G
YOU PEOPLE [ABC Family] RUN R RATED MOVIES NOW
9:53 pm
*braces self*
It starts with a book! I miss those.
9:54 pm
Aaaand the first page is telling us the whole set up... "forced her to work as a Scullery Maid." I didn't realize scullery maids had unionized and demanded capitalization like Sanitation Workerers of Flight Attendants.
9:55 pm
DUDE! Show don't tell!
Stupid book, giving things away
9:56 pm
Wow, this quality is awesome, for 1937
9:57 pm
ACK she's humming
She's surrounded by doves!
NO, please don't hum, dear GOD no!
Beautiful sets
OW
her VOICE
A prince! He hears her sing! And he's on a white horse, of course.
9:58 pm
He's breaking and entering! This castle has TERRIBLE security.
He's just climbing over the wall
Him: Hello.
Her: Oh!
Him: Did I frighten you?
D: Oh, no, she's not at ALL alarmed by the strange man sneaking up on her INSIDE A FORTIFIED CASTLE. Good girl, Snow, you run from that intruder! Yes, run away! NO, don't let him serenade you!
She's wearing clogs... this must be Holland?
And he's singing about how he's fallen in love with her on sight
10:00 pm
Queen sees him. She really should have more guards around.
OH the birds. Yes, fly happily from girl to boy, carry a kiss, tame animals--HE HAS LIPSTICK.
HIS LIPS ARE RED.
So, the whole castle's guard amounts to the random huntsman.
Queen is sufficiently creepy.
I like how she lets Snow White dress up just to be killed. And I like how Snow doesn't suspect that something unusual might be happening.
SHE SOUNDS LIKE A CHILD.
He lifts the knife to kill her--and she raises her arms and screams. That's it. She's lucky he can't do it.
RUN, SNOW! Run, again! Beware of OWLS! And OMG TREES! BRANCHES! EEK! This child had clearly never been to a forest.
Scream! Flail! Turn! Scream, flail, turn! Repeat! Collapse!
10:06 pm
Sob at the scary forest, not the bitch step-mother.
Aaaand the animals all come out to say hello.
I want a bunny to come say hello to me.
And she goes, "Oh!" and they all run away.
Oh god, she's going to sing again
"I'm awfully sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. But you don't know what I've been through. And all because I was afraid." *gasp* Maturity? "I'm so ashamed of the fuss I made," she clasps her hands prettily.
And she sings.
10:08 pm
Birds sing back to her
They can flinch at the baby bird's off note but not hers?
Raccoons are CUTE.
This is totally Bambi's forest.
CHIPMUNK!
10:09 pm
She's so warbly and shrill I can't really understand her
"I really feel quite happy now! I'm sure I'll get along somehow! Everything's going to be all right!" Because I have the power of SONG and cute herbivorous animal friends!
10:10 pm
She's SO childlike!
Animals lead her through the SCARY WOODS, which are still dark but now they've having fun, so not scary. Somehow.
Behold, the idyllic, "Adorable" cottage! "Just like a doll's house!"
"Ooooh, it's dark inside."
10:13 pm
She knocks, no answer, "Guess there's no one home!" So she opens the door.
And brings half the forest inside with her.
"OOHHH! What a cute little chair!"
Disney has a bad habit of cannibalizing itself...
10:15 pm
"You'd think their mother would--Gasp! Maybe they have no mother? Then they're orphans..." Deer shake heads sadly... They have gray beards. WTF, how can they be children in need of a mother?
"That's too bad!"
"I know! We'll clean the house and surprise them! Then maybe they'll let me stay."
I am detecting a distinct pattern of manipulation. Her tone is manipulative. Hackles rising.
And I like how she still assumes everyone is her friend, despite just learning that her step mother and the huntsman want to kill her.
Wait--she just gave the animals all the hard jobs while she sweeps.
10:17 pm
She's not WORKING, she's dancing and singing and directing the animals!
Awwwwwwwwwwww chippy stuck in a cobweb!
The animals are doing ALL the hard stuff! Goddammit!
You can hate her, F, she is delegating the laundry.
10:20 pm
So, despite her being one of the 'laboring' princesses, she doesn't have to labor once she's away from the queen.
Aah, this 'Dig, Dig, Dig' song was excerpted on a video I used to have.
Dig, Dig, Dig and Heigh Ho.
10:22 pm
Oh great, she's going to further invade their home by going upstairs.
You try to distract us with the antics of cute animals, Disney, but I see through you! This is all designed to make breaking and entering look glamorous!
"Oh, what ADORABLE little beds!" And to reinforce an inferiority complex in the vertically challenged. If she says adorable again after she finds out what they are, I'm gonna have to punch her.
10:24 pm
Ok, she and Goldilocks would get on GREAT. Yes, Snow, just drape yourself across half a dozen beds, no prob.
10:26 pm
hehehehe Doc almost said "Crook and fanny," instead of nook and cranny.
Their house has been cleaned! BY GOD! It's a CONSPIRACY!
10:28 pm
She cooked, too? Maybe it's squirrel stew.
Oh, stock characters... so far the Dwarfs are Southerners, stutterers, and city/Woody Allen-types.
This movie is a lot of filler.
I love how the friendly animals don't come over to explain anything. They seem to be trying to scare the dwarfs.
10:31 pm
40mins in, they're gonna send a Dope to do a man's job.
Then again, even the hunter couldn't follow through.
OMG SNOW WHITE IS PLAYING WITH HERSELF
10:32 pm
[F: wtf?!?!]
10:32 pm
She's on their beds, and the sheet's a big moving heap over her head and she's making MOANING noises!!
Dopey screams? He can make noise? He ran out, so did the rest of them.
So she's got time to straighten up.
10:34 pm
Great, now they're beating up Dopey. Friendly fire is funny, kids!
"What was it doin'!?"
Dopey: *feigns sleep, big snore*
LIES! She was DIDDLING HERSELF!
More moans!
Her legs are up in the air! Those aren't arms (and why would her arms be up when she's sleeping?) those are LEGS.
NOW she's asleep, exhausted herself.
10:36 pm
Oh, what a contrast... Snow White and an ad for the Legend of the Guardians, with some of the most amazing digital animation yet.
10:39 pm
"She's MIGHTY PURDY!"
"Heh! She's a female! Females is poison! They're full a' WILES," says Grumpy.
She's totally doing a post-gasmic stretch
She spots them, screams, and pulls the blankets up to cover her chest. SHE IS FULLY DRESSED.
10:41 pm
Her hair has this weird fuzzy outline in places.
"Why! You're little men!" They look suitably horrified and down-trodden... mostly astonished.
God, she doesn't hesitate for a moment or apologize for being there.
10:43 pm
"Happy, ma'am! That's me! And this is Dopey, he don't talk none."
"You mean he can't talk?"
"He don't know! He never tried!"
GOD, she is SUCH a child!
10:44 pm
"Ohhhh, you're Gruuumpy!" UGH.
How old is she in this movie?
Isn't she fourteen?
"Oh, how silly of me, I'm Snow White!"
"Snow White!? The princess!?"
"Yes!" *bats lashes*
10:45 pm
Suddenly Doc is honored to have her, but Grumpy is not.
"Please don't send me away! If you do, she'll kill me!"
And... I think they're just taking her word for it.
10:46 pm
Though Grumpy may be right this time, she IS a witch.
"But she doesn't know where I am!" Happy smile!
10:48 pm
"Oh, she'll never find me here! And if you let me stay, I'll keep house for you! I'll wash, sew, sweep and cook--" They really like the food part.
How the hell did she learn to cook? I thought she was just a scullery maid.
That castle must have had two people in it--the queen, and Snow White.
And she's going to make them wash. Behold, she civilizes the strange little men!
10:50 pm
It's actually amazing they aren't more dirty after working in the mine.
I think she likes the power trip, ordering them around.
She definitely thinks of them as little kids.
"Aww, did you hurt yourself?"
That really is condescending.
10:53 pm
Ugh, they'll do it for HER--said with mannish glee, all cuz she's pretty.
Agh, rhymes.
"Ya make me SICK!" Grumpy is totally the inspiration for Oscar the Grouch.
10:57 pm
Yay! Kidnap your friends! Ominous music!
Abuse your buddy! Wash his mouth out with soap! Yes, that's the way to do it!
10:59 pm
Aah, back to the queen!
11:00 pm
The animation really is good for the time.
11:01 pm
"Then I've been tricked!"
That crow should be eating the pig heart...
I wonder if she's related to Ursula...
Mummy Dust
EGYPT WOULD LIKE A WORD WITH YOU, MADAM.
This is the shittiest spell.
And she drinks the potion.
Whirling, swirling vortex of transformation! Bubbles and lightning!
More bubbles... nevermind, she's just drunk.
11:04 pm
Ugh, they made another Tinkerbell movie. Those things betray the original Tink, she was a bitch, dammit. Stop trying to make her nice.
This song was on one of my tapes, too. The yodeling one.
11:05 pm
Erm, Grumpy playing the accordion looks... inappropriate.
He's sitting on it so he bobs up and down.
Sleepy looks high
Wait, are they Dutch or German or Swiss or what?
11:06 pm
I think they recycled this dance sequence with Snow White, but I may be thinking of a different one.
I'm pretty sure it became the base for Robin Hood and Maid Marion dancing with the Merry Men.
I need to watch that one, too, I liked that one.
11:09 pm
Now she's going to tell them a story... about a princess, who fell in love "Was it hard?" "No, it was very easy!" *smacks forehead*
She has a VERY short attention span.
Any normal person would show some remorse or sadness for all she's lost.
For everything that's changed.
This is where the, "But she's not even a person" comment kicks in
I think Doc is gay...
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE, YOU SAW HIM FOR FIVE MINUTES!
11:11 pm
Doc reeeeally wanted to know if the prince was handsome...
11:11 pm
Someday My Prince Will Come... I cannot understand her when she warbles in her upper registry.
She's sending THEM to bed.
11:13 pm
They insist she take their beds... and she actually takes them up on it, and
leaves them with ONE pillow, which they rip to shreds.
11:14 pm
now she prays
11:15 pm
"And please make Grumpy like me!"
God's time is always so valuable to people who pray.
Apparently Dopey dreams like a dog.
I bet Snow is making use of her private room, hem hem.
11:18 pm
And everybody sleeps...3/4 through...
That is the most noxious looking apple... If the queen were at all clever, she would've made the apple first, while she still had her youthful limbs.
She likes to rhyme. A lot.
"But wait! There maaay be an antidote!" So NOW she checks the book. Good job, lady.
Love's First Kiss.
11:20 pm
"BAH!" she says
"She'll be BURIED ALIVE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" Yeah, she's not creepy at ALL.
No wonder this woman can't retain a security force, she's a vindictive bitch.
She poles a boat down the river--the witch is Charon!
11:22 pm
But it's a happy singsong morning at the cottage!
Wait--who built this place? It's not really dwarf-sized or people-sized, it's very in-between,
they must have bought it or squatted.
Remember, Doc tells her, be careful! The queen is full of witchcraft! "Be careful of strangers!" That's not a bad moral. Pity it's already been undermined at every turn.
Bashful is totally infatuated... she's giving them all kisses. She's wasting seven chances at LIFE!
11:25 pm
Dopey's trying for multiples.
Aw, Grumpy's preening before his kiss.
He loves it.
Witch is stupid, she's creaking her way toward Snow White, limping along... Forethought, woman. You haz none.
11:28 pm
Making a pie is NOT that easy, dammit!! And again, the animals are doing a lot.
Beware of scary beggar woman!
This tape should be used to teach kids safety.
"The little men aren't here?"
"No, they're not..."
"It's APPLE pies that makes the men-folks' mouths water!" insists the crone.
"Oh, they do look delicious!"
"Go on, have a bite..."
The birds are smarter than this birdbrain.
They know she shouldn't eat it.
11:30 pm
I like how she can't recognize her own step-mother's voice
Wait--these animals suck. Instead of bursting through the open window to attack the witch, they cross the forest to the mine.
Cuz that's totally a better plan.
11:33 pm
"This is no ordinary apple--it's a magic wishing apple!"
"A wishing apple?" Like, for special girls like ME?
"Yeees! One bite, and all your dreams come true!"
Oh thank GOD, it's almost over.
11:35 pm
Animals harass dwarfs, dwarfs suddenly think of the queen, are super-excitable and charge off based on no firm evidence.
"There must be something you want. Perhaps there's someone you love."
"Well... there is someone.." YOU BARELY EVEN SAW HIM!
"I wish... he will carry me away to his castle... where we will live happily ever after..."
11:38 pm
Hang on--she bites the apple, and the camera pulls away to stay on the witch. "Oh... I feel strange... oh.. oh... heavy breathing... oooh... breathes out." It's a MAGIC apple alright! This girl could get off from ANYTHING.
And she's out.
Witch is toootally gonna be the fairest in the land now--no word on how she'll be changing out of crone-form.
A thunderstorm crops up in time for the dwarfs to give chase.
Up the mountain... she's awfully energetic for an old woman... lightning, defying all laws of physics, strikes the ground she's standing on and the shelf crumbles, sending her plummeting to her death.
11:40 pm
The vultures leer happily, then fly down to chow down.
Ew.
Aaand somehow there's an organ playing while all seven dwarfs kneel around Snow White laid out on her bed.
Wait---where did they get a bed her size!?
It doesn't LOOK like the table, it's got posts...
11:42 pm
They all weep for her, even Grumpy...
The animals are so very sad as well...
For she brought light into their lives... light and cleaning duties
11:44 pm
wtf--"So beautiful, even in death, that the dwarfs could not find it in their hearts to bury her... they fashioned a coffin of glass and gold, and kept eternal vigil at her side..." Seasons pass behind the placards. "...the Prince, who has searched far and wide (WILL YOU STOP TELLING AND START SHOWING, DAMMIT) heard of the maiden who slept in the glass coffin."
Now HE'S singing again.
Wait, wtf? Why are they removing the glass lid, he hasn't shown up yet!
Beautiful scenes, yes.
There he is, there's his white horse.
And they just let him walk up to her.
11:46 pm
He doesn't even look that upset! He kisses her, bows his head... and she blinks awake.
They embrace in the most choreographed way!
Everyone dances and frolics! No more words need be exchanged! He puts her on his horse--the dwarfs each get a last kiss... She gets EVERYTHING SHE WANTS without doing a damn thing!
UGH, the ways she says "Good bye!" that last time...
And they ride off into the sunset together--chastely, with him walking. And a GOLDEN GLOWING CASTLE APPEARS!
BEHOLD, THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
11:48 pm
And they lived happily ever after. Joy.
And a last word from F: now she's asleep, which indicates improvement in her cognitive functions