Post by f on Aug 17, 2010 13:19:02 GMT -5
Our friend, the Thinking Housewife, has posted this story from a reader. The story itself is fascinating -- the judgments wrought from it (in my opinion) inflammatory and overblown.
You can read Laura's response here: www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2010/08/three-generations-of-rebellious-women/#more-14213
JULIAN writes:
I have been catching up on your site and just came across your marvelous short piece of Oct. 22, 2009: “The Unfaithful Wife.” It is the best essay I have seen on the the divorce epidemic. I’m a veteran of a stupid, destructive and monstrously wasteful divorce war, dragged through the courts for three years by a wife of 25 years for no reason other than her simply having become bored with being married. (Ok, being married to me.) That and a very rough menopause, but let’s not go there.
I emerged from the divorce court sewerpipe relatively unscathed, notwithstanding that the other side used every single dirty trick in the divorce-lawyer playbook. But I’m a big boy and was able to look after myself better than most. I have no complaints for myself because after the initial shock I was not surprised. It’s a mean world. But I was shocked and horrified at what my ex-wife then did to my daughter who was ten years old at the start of it all. I am now a witness to my daughter doing something similarly destructive and cruel, with the active collusion and encouragement of her mother, who still lives alone after 20 years (and one proposal of remarriage, which she made to me, and which I respectfully declined; but that’s another story).
My daughter was 28, with a beautiful little home and garden, married for seven years to a kind and handsome young man who loved her dearly. In exchange for his devotion she betrayed him and abandoned him for a recent immigrant who divorced (at least) three wives, did not raise (at least) two children, and who is (at least) 55 years old. She lives with this elderly Casanova in a rathole welfare neighbourhood. She has no more flower garden.
For ten years, I made a huge effort to raise her properly in the face of constant undermining. I (mistakenly) agreed to joint custody and (stupidly) encouraged her to maintain a good relationship with her mother, who then poisoned her. I sent the child to the best schools, where she did well. I always enjoyed her company; we skied together; sailed with her and her friends; she speaks French and reads Jane Austen, Dickens and Joyce for pleasure. I taught her to ski, how to handle a big sailboat, to ride a motorcycle, to shoot a semiautomatic handgun and to listen to opera (the soprano arias anyway). She studied history, philosophy & English lit, played sports, is an expert skier, has a Master’s degree and a good job at a major university. A nice kid, a smart kid and an extremely good looking girl.
And yet the mother seemed to have finally succeeded in ruining her.
You’ve heard all this before; everybody has, and I have not even mentioned the undermining of the child during her teenage years, but you can well imagine. Rhetorical question: how could a mother do such a thing to her only child? Of course: hatred for the husband leading her to try to ruin what he loves best in the world. But still, after all these years, the sheer perversity of it all is incomprehensible to me.
You asked about the reaction of my daughter’s husband. It was typical of him; I had lunch with him to let him know we still cared about him and he was calm, visibly saddened and was obviously ready to take her back. He did not complain. He did not say one word against her even though she had abused him, betrayed him and abandoned him, leaving him alone in their lovely little home and now untended gardens. Thank God, they had no children. There are three homes in my area where something similar has happened recently and the gardens bear witness to the families’ disasters.
My former son-in-law later met with my wife while walking their dog alone and he spoke openly with her for an hour. He told her that he always believed that my daughter was his best friend, which was the saddest thing I ever heard. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it again. One can analyse it to death but genetics might perhaps play a part: three out of the last four generations on the mother’s side of the family did the same thing and destroyed their own families in horrible ways.
I repeat, this is not a whine or a complaint for myself; I have a beautiful wife whom I will love till the end of my days, I retired at 59 and we spend our time sailing the boat, riding the bike, reading our books, going to Europe and digging the garden. Things are good. The only thing that bothers me in this world is what is happening to my poor child.
No, in reply to your question, I don’t think her husband should have acted differently; I asked her what the problem was at the time she was leaving him and she said that he had done nothing wrong. She was leaving because she simply found someone more interesting. Her husband did nothing to drive her away.
Here’s something else you way find amusing. My elderly mother was married for over fifty years until my father’s death. It was an imperfect marriage. She is a good woman who ran a good home but she was from the wrong side of the tracks and was intellectually limited. My father was extremely intelligent, highly successful with a somewhat difficult personality who appreciated her beauty and womanly qualities and gave her an upper middle class life. They each did their duty, worked at it, honoured their promises and looked after each other and the children, but it wasn’t easy.
She was rather mean to him when he became weak and unwell, getting petty revenge for old slights. She was not smart enough to realize he might die while she was busy getting even, now that she had the upper hand.She was deeply shocked when he died unexpectedly and immediately regretted her unkindness to him. It was pathetic to see her begin to appreciate him again after he was gone. (In sheer perversity this recalls my ex-wife’s suggestion that I marry her again, 10 years after she dragged me through a nasty divorce war, which I “won”.)
But somehow my mother must have dreamed of “escape” and now supports my daughter in having thrown away her handsome, interesting, devoted husband, for an opportunist scavenger from the far side of the world who is 25 years older than her, with multiple ex-wives, ex-children and a litany of excuses and reasons.
You got that? Her own mother actively colluded in the disaster and now her grandmother retroactively encourages her. These women have 80 years of marriage between them and they seem to think the terrible destruction my daughter caused was somehow a romantic thing. In the mother’s case it echoes what she did herself after 25+ years of marriage; the grandmother seems to now think it’s what she would like to have done during her 50 plus years of marriage. Both the mother and grandmother remained alone after the end of their marriages and will do so for the rest of their lives.
I have been catching up on your site and just came across your marvelous short piece of Oct. 22, 2009: “The Unfaithful Wife.” It is the best essay I have seen on the the divorce epidemic. I’m a veteran of a stupid, destructive and monstrously wasteful divorce war, dragged through the courts for three years by a wife of 25 years for no reason other than her simply having become bored with being married. (Ok, being married to me.) That and a very rough menopause, but let’s not go there.
I emerged from the divorce court sewerpipe relatively unscathed, notwithstanding that the other side used every single dirty trick in the divorce-lawyer playbook. But I’m a big boy and was able to look after myself better than most. I have no complaints for myself because after the initial shock I was not surprised. It’s a mean world. But I was shocked and horrified at what my ex-wife then did to my daughter who was ten years old at the start of it all. I am now a witness to my daughter doing something similarly destructive and cruel, with the active collusion and encouragement of her mother, who still lives alone after 20 years (and one proposal of remarriage, which she made to me, and which I respectfully declined; but that’s another story).
My daughter was 28, with a beautiful little home and garden, married for seven years to a kind and handsome young man who loved her dearly. In exchange for his devotion she betrayed him and abandoned him for a recent immigrant who divorced (at least) three wives, did not raise (at least) two children, and who is (at least) 55 years old. She lives with this elderly Casanova in a rathole welfare neighbourhood. She has no more flower garden.
For ten years, I made a huge effort to raise her properly in the face of constant undermining. I (mistakenly) agreed to joint custody and (stupidly) encouraged her to maintain a good relationship with her mother, who then poisoned her. I sent the child to the best schools, where she did well. I always enjoyed her company; we skied together; sailed with her and her friends; she speaks French and reads Jane Austen, Dickens and Joyce for pleasure. I taught her to ski, how to handle a big sailboat, to ride a motorcycle, to shoot a semiautomatic handgun and to listen to opera (the soprano arias anyway). She studied history, philosophy & English lit, played sports, is an expert skier, has a Master’s degree and a good job at a major university. A nice kid, a smart kid and an extremely good looking girl.
And yet the mother seemed to have finally succeeded in ruining her.
You’ve heard all this before; everybody has, and I have not even mentioned the undermining of the child during her teenage years, but you can well imagine. Rhetorical question: how could a mother do such a thing to her only child? Of course: hatred for the husband leading her to try to ruin what he loves best in the world. But still, after all these years, the sheer perversity of it all is incomprehensible to me.
You asked about the reaction of my daughter’s husband. It was typical of him; I had lunch with him to let him know we still cared about him and he was calm, visibly saddened and was obviously ready to take her back. He did not complain. He did not say one word against her even though she had abused him, betrayed him and abandoned him, leaving him alone in their lovely little home and now untended gardens. Thank God, they had no children. There are three homes in my area where something similar has happened recently and the gardens bear witness to the families’ disasters.
My former son-in-law later met with my wife while walking their dog alone and he spoke openly with her for an hour. He told her that he always believed that my daughter was his best friend, which was the saddest thing I ever heard. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it again. One can analyse it to death but genetics might perhaps play a part: three out of the last four generations on the mother’s side of the family did the same thing and destroyed their own families in horrible ways.
I repeat, this is not a whine or a complaint for myself; I have a beautiful wife whom I will love till the end of my days, I retired at 59 and we spend our time sailing the boat, riding the bike, reading our books, going to Europe and digging the garden. Things are good. The only thing that bothers me in this world is what is happening to my poor child.
No, in reply to your question, I don’t think her husband should have acted differently; I asked her what the problem was at the time she was leaving him and she said that he had done nothing wrong. She was leaving because she simply found someone more interesting. Her husband did nothing to drive her away.
Here’s something else you way find amusing. My elderly mother was married for over fifty years until my father’s death. It was an imperfect marriage. She is a good woman who ran a good home but she was from the wrong side of the tracks and was intellectually limited. My father was extremely intelligent, highly successful with a somewhat difficult personality who appreciated her beauty and womanly qualities and gave her an upper middle class life. They each did their duty, worked at it, honoured their promises and looked after each other and the children, but it wasn’t easy.
She was rather mean to him when he became weak and unwell, getting petty revenge for old slights. She was not smart enough to realize he might die while she was busy getting even, now that she had the upper hand.She was deeply shocked when he died unexpectedly and immediately regretted her unkindness to him. It was pathetic to see her begin to appreciate him again after he was gone. (In sheer perversity this recalls my ex-wife’s suggestion that I marry her again, 10 years after she dragged me through a nasty divorce war, which I “won”.)
But somehow my mother must have dreamed of “escape” and now supports my daughter in having thrown away her handsome, interesting, devoted husband, for an opportunist scavenger from the far side of the world who is 25 years older than her, with multiple ex-wives, ex-children and a litany of excuses and reasons.
You got that? Her own mother actively colluded in the disaster and now her grandmother retroactively encourages her. These women have 80 years of marriage between them and they seem to think the terrible destruction my daughter caused was somehow a romantic thing. In the mother’s case it echoes what she did herself after 25+ years of marriage; the grandmother seems to now think it’s what she would like to have done during her 50 plus years of marriage. Both the mother and grandmother remained alone after the end of their marriages and will do so for the rest of their lives.
You can read Laura's response here: www.thinkinghousewife.com/wp/2010/08/three-generations-of-rebellious-women/#more-14213